Waiting

This will be a short post that I plan to expand on later because I am posting via iPhone from bed.

Waiting sucks. I know that tests and results take time but it is very hard not knowing what the future holds for me and my family (and friends). The doctor originally told me that I would get results within a week and now I'm being told at least another possibly 2. There was a part of me that really wanted to know long before I needed to head back to work (I am on Short Term Disability through Jan 5th). Getting my head wrapped around the idea that I *know* I have this disease is as important as getting the treatments started.

The "if" is also killing me. I was told that this biopsy is for confirmation and somehow I have it in my head that we are on a new fact finding mission and I probably don't have it. Maybe I'm starting my stages of grief but it's hard because I was telling myself that I KNOW I have PF and if they tell me otherwise great but to be prepared for the worst. I don't feel as prepared anymore. I think part of it is my friends and family are so optimistic (and believe me, I appreciate it) that it leads me to feel that way too.

That's how I feel today. I also feel tired; perpetually tired. I think I was in bed 20 hours yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to get up. My pain is a solid 2 all the time with bouts of 4-5 if I let my Percocet lapse or I accidentally sleep on my right side (which is my favorite side to sleep on).

Mentally, I think I am doing pretty well. I don't feel depressed though I do sometimes feel sad. I had a really bad day mentally on Monday and had to make myself stop looking up life insurance policies (which is a whole other post I have planned). I miss Ashley who has been in New Mexico with her family for the last 7 days but only 4 more. I miss fresh air and my friends. I miss stupid TV with Matt or Jeopardy with Matt&Katie. I really want to start seeing people without them turning their head to the side and saying "how ya feeling?".

And now I am off to my Mom's but because of the Percocet I can't drive so I am writing this post while I am waiting for her to pick me up.