Last 12 Hours

Tomorrow at 11:30pm I will meet with Dr. Olson to discuss my biopsy results.  In 12 hours I will either know for certain that I am, in essence, dying, or that I have some strange disease that mimics Pulmonary Fibrosis.  This is a scary idea.  I will spend most of the next 12 hours sleeping next to my wonderful girlfriend.  After that, I will make myself breakfast and get my oxygen in order for my appointments and drive myself to National Jewish.

I will spend the next 12 hours doing mundane and seemingly normal acts of life that we all go through everyday, but for me they may be the last one I do without the looming fear of an early grave.  I know that no one wants to talk about it, and it has been very difficult for me to come to terms with as well but if my diagnosis is confirmed then I will die.  "Everyone is dying".  I know, I know.  I could get hit by a car tomorrow and die much sooner than if this disease takes me, but I will know how and, to some degree, when I will go.  I understand that there experimental medicines, and that I am young.  I know that I have great health insurance, and I am seeing some of the best doctors in the country at LITERALLY the best pulmonary hospital in the country.  I know all the positive things about my situation, but at the end of the day this disease (if I have it) will kill me. 

The idea that I have to get married faster, and consider leaving Ashley a young widow kills my soul.  The idea of my parents burying me instead of the other way around literally knocks the wind out of me.  This is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy.  I even have to consider if I will allow myself to have children:  A. because I would leave them fatherless at a very young age.  B. because I have a good chance of passing along this evil disease.  I have always wanted to be a father and husband.  I wanted to live in the suburbs with my wife and have dinner parties with the neighbors.  I wanted to see my parents play with their grandchildren.  Today MAY be the last day I can even consider these things an option.  Tomorrow so much of who I think I am may change.

Here is the thing.  I don't think it will come back positive.  I did.  If you asked me the day before my surgery if I had pulmonary fibrosis I would have said "yes".  I would have even said it the day after my surgery, but as time has gone on I am either slipping deeper into denial, or I'm having some epiphany that I will be well again.  I've had symptoms in the past and they have disappeared and left me strong and healthy before... why can't that happen again? 

I will ask again for your prayers and thoughts as I find my results.  I will update tomorrow with what is going on.